Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The State of Dogs On Houses

I haven't written for this blog lately and the reason I haven't written for this blog lately is because I've been writing something that is not this blog.

Exactly.

Since the New Year I have been obsessively chipping away at the manuscript for a project that's been slow cooking for a couple years now.  This is good, as it means I'm making nightly progress and at the end of every week I can look back and count the amount of new pages that have survived the laborious transition from brain to computer.  Tangible progress is being made, to the extent that the finish line is in sight.  Within a month or two I should have a completed manuscript that can be read from start to finish.

The downside to spending one's time writing, however, is that the only thing I then have to write about is this: writing.  Only other writers would be interested in reading about that, and then only non-writing writers desperate to live vicariously through someone who manages to sit and stare at Microsoft Word for three hours a night while clicking on plastic keys.

Sit poorly, might I add.  I hunch like I'm assembling a puzzle that forms a massage therapist ad.

Also: I guess I am lying when I say that things haven't been happening to me beyond writing.  I wanted to write about my crippling guilt over abandoning my '98 Corolla for a shiny '08 Scion TC.  I wanted to write about the overwhelming joy I felt on January 20th, and the ripples of pride I still feel when I hear the words "President Obama."  I wanted to write about the queasy horror of reading about bush fires sliding all over an area of Australia I visited last October.  I want to write a review of the Lonely Island CD. 

I would write about all these things and more, but here's the catch: I am too busy destroying my back and staring at Microsoft Word for three hours a night while clicking on plastic keys.

You can't have everything.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

America Twitters: standin n line @ the soup kitchen

I had wondered what the most ominous economic quarter in recent history would do to the pricey gadget industry--Apple, more specifically--and as it turns out America is pretty eager to drown their unemployment fear in sexy tech, as Apple just posted record quarterly revenues

We're probably not hurling toward the apocalypse, but if we are the canned food hoarding will be accompanied by ipod music and the rampaging raiders will be documented with our iphones.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The most accurate epitaph imaginable

Something occurred to me tonight as I scrubbed the carpet again.

Someday I will die and there will be a headstone, and on my headstone should be inscribed this and only this:

C. Bill Salisbury
1975-????

"In his life
there sure was a lot of cat puke"

R.I.P.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

While driving this morning

I passed a car abandoned between the two lanes of the highway, its derailment undoubtedly the result of last night's storm.  The lonely vehicle was door handle-deep in snow, and wrapped twice around its metal frame was a strip of yellow DO NOT CROSS police tape.

Perched upon the roof was an orange traffic cone, the car's personal dunce cap.

My Corolla snickered, but only slightly.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Uncle Stitch's Music Roundup: 2008

Like drinking too much mulled wine and telling the inlaws what you really think, my musical best-of list is back by December tradition.  My top ten, presented in reverse order for great suspense:

Top Ten
  • 10. Death Cab for Cutie, Narrow Stairs - Reigning indie pop darlings of the OC set return with their bleakest yet most compelling disc so far.
  • 9. No Age, Nouns - These two kids from LA may sound like a box of bees falling down a flight of stairs but underneath the grime and distortion and occasional ambient interludes are real songs with winning--if gradually revealed--hooks.
  • 8. Black Keys, Attack & Release - Raw bluesters stretch out of their comfort zone by partnering with Danger Mouse and the brilliant results sprawl stylistically while remaining easily recognizable.
  • 7.  MGMT, Oracular Spectacular - Nobody else better converted your morning commute into tripping balls while dancing naked on the beach.
  • 6.  Hot Chip, Made in the Dark - While Made in the Dark's first half nails the electro dance pleasure principle perfectly, it's the ballads that forge new territory while quietly stealing the show.
  • 5.  Crystal Castles, Crystal Castles - Crystal Castles may sound limited in concept, but their debut disc proves that there is a time for broken glass vocals over abrasive Nintendo beats and that time is fucking now.  The full album is a few subtracted songs away from perfection, yeah, but Crystal Castles establishes its importance with sheer visceral intensity.  The digital sugar punch of 2008.
  • 4.  Fleet Foxes, Fleet Foxes - You are wandering lost in the mountains, your stomach aching with hunger as the temperature drops.  Just as you begin contemplating curling in the snow and giving in, you barely make out a faint melody whistling through distant passages.  Hope renewed, you follow the sound, traversing the frosty terrain as the singing grows louder and closer.  Just as the four-part harmonies kick in, you turn a corner and find a group of musicians playing around a campfire glowing with generous warmth, the sound so inviting you wordlessly join and so nourishing your hunger disappears.  This is Fleet Foxes.
  • 3.  Wolf Parade, At Mount Zoomer - Worried about repeating themselves, Wolf Parade dropped the Modest Mouse-ish indie stomp of their debut and struck out into darker, murkier territory for their sophomore disc.  At Mount Zoomer finds two cracking songwriters operating at the top of their game, oscillating from the sublimely loopy ("Bang Your Drum") to outstanding torch-bearing rock ("Fine Young Cannibals").  Wolf Parade have recorded a rewarding disc that grows with each listen and firmly promotes them beyond "indie blog sensation of the month" territory.  My personal soundtrack to 2008.
  • 2.  TV on the Radio, Dear Science - After a debut that was more promise than delivery and a sophomore disc that crackled with ideas but lacked memorable songwriting, TV on the Radio finally got it all right with Dear Science, an ear-twisting and exuberant album exploding with equal parts joy, anger, and lust.  Dear Science is jaw-dropping enough to easily earn the status of album of the year, if only it weren't for a welcome return of one dormant veteran, which brings us to...
  • 1.  Portishead, Third - Who really expected this?  On paper the return of Portishead sounds about as relevant as a new wave of hypercolor shirts, and yet these veterans deliver a suffocated, fractured masterpiece.  By jettisoning the languid hiphop beats that made them famous but now sound like cologne ads, Portishead have crafted a timeless study of alienation and heartbreak that remains recognizable while sounding nothing like their previous material.  Third pushes against the listener relentlessly, ending songs prematurely and squeezing moments into uncomfortable dissonance, creating a tense and jarring atmosphere of dread that reflects the lyrical content but--here's the kicker--somehow manages to be compulsively listenable and addicting.  Portishead's Third certainly isn't for everyone--you can't have international spy sex to it, after all--but its uncompromising brilliance makes this one for the ages.

Honorable Mentions
  • Beck, Modern Guilt
  • The Raconteurs, Consolers of the Lonely
  • Vampire Weekend, Vampire weekend
  • HEALTH, DISCO

Disappointments
  • Sigur Rós, Með suð í eyrum við spilum endalaust
  • Cold War Kids, Loyalty to Loyalty
  • Weezer, Red Album

Single of the Year
  • Hot Chip, "Ready for the Floor"

A solid year overall, with two incredibly strong contenders for album of the year.  Still to pick up: the Deer bands (-hunter, -hoof) as well as whatever I discover on other year-end lists.

Roll on 2009.

On second thought: You know what, screw that. "Single of the Year" category is typically where disposable pop has its opportunity to shine, but Flo Rida's "In the Ayer" never attained more than "kicks ass with alcohol" status, so consider its title RESCINDED. Instead please find good sirs Hot Chip's "Ready for the Floor," which rocked my shit all summer long.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

There and back again

For awhile, my guitar made a daily trip from my closet door to the bed and back.

It's like this: after a few mishaps, I discovered that the nook where my closed closet door meets the door frame is ideal for leaning my guitar.  Via this method the guitar touched only carpet (down below!) and indented wood (way up top!) so there was no danger of the guitar sliding loose and scratching arcs of black paint into the walls.  Closed closet doors must be opened, of course, so a small daily commuting cycle was born in which I'd move the guitar from the door to my bed each morning when I needed my closet, and then each evening the guitar would make it back to the closet when I needed my bed.

Back and forth, each day.  It's no trip across Europe while on tour with the Stones, but many a guitar has achieved less.

All of which came to a close a few months ago when I decided I didn't really need another sleep-delaying procrastination device in the bedroom.  Down to the basement went my guitar, and the daily commute ended.

Except that now I find that another long, unwieldy device has resumed this daily trip between by bed and closet door.  Yes, the commuting mantle has been passed from my electric guitar to a new item and that new item is this:

A full-size replica of Aragorn's sword.

I purchased it for a Halloween costume, you see.

Right.

Yeah, I'm not exactly comfortable with the direction my life seems to be taking.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Two Weeks in Australia: a trip told in lists

LIST ONE: FLIGHTS

I took the following flights during the two weeks that made up my trip:
  • Madison to St Louis
  • St Louis to Los Angeles
  • Los Angeles to Sydney*
  • Sydney to Brisbane
  • Brisbane to Sydney*
  • Sydney to Los Angeles
  • Los Angeles to Dallas*
  • Dallas to Madison
Running total: 8 flights

An asterisk (*) indicates a flight in which there was a crying baby.

Related note:  I used to like flying.


LIST TWO: MOVIES

I watched the following bad movie while in transit via airplane:
  • The Happening
I watched the following mediocre movie while in transit via airplane:
  • Hancock
I watched the following good movie while in transit via airplane:
  • Speed Racer
I don't exactly believe it either.


LIST THREE: GO OZ

Here is a partial list of things Australia does better than the States:
  • Public transportation
  • Toilets
  • Bacon (!)
  • Food in general
  • Chocolate
  • The level of dress among the general populace, flipflops and sandals notwithstanding
  • Ovens
  • Currency
  • Radio personalities (Hamish and Andy are actually pretty funny)
  • Spectrum of popular music
  • Outlook on life
  • Slang

LIST FOUR: GO YANKS

Here is a partial list of things the States do better than Australia:
  • Price tags
  • Coffee
  • Soda
  • Hamburgers
  • Cheese
  • Highways
  • The availability of garbage cans
  • Baby carrots
  • Incorporation of the indiginous people (although to be honest the US has a ways to go as well)
  • Keeping a lid on Kings of Leon
  • Black people
  • Volume

LIST FIVE: KFC?

I observed the existence of following the fast food chains during my stay in Australia:
  • McDonald's
  • Subway
  • Hungry Jacks (Burger King)
  • KFC

It should be noted that KFCs are more popular than they are in the States.  Australians are absolutely crazy about KFC, comparatively speaking.

Soul-crushingly absent:
  • Taco Bell

LIST INTERMISSION:

I had the following conversation many times while in Australia.

Aussie: So where are you from?
Me: The States.
Aussie: Yeah, but which state?
Me: Wisconsin.
Aussie: ...uh...
Me: Dairy state.
Aussie:  ...erm...
Me: Midwest, right under Canada.
Aussie: Oh, right!  wisconsin!
Me: Yeah, Wisconsin.


END INTERMISSION

LIST SIX: UNIQUE OZ EXPERIENCES

Things I did in Australia that I couldn't do in Wisconsin:
  • Coughed salt water out of my nose
  • Ate a meat pie
  • Paid four dollars for a dixie cup of black coffee
  • Encouraged overeating in kangaroos
  • Been mistaken for a member of a surfing gang
  • Taken a ferry back after a couple drinks at a pub
  • Drank a little too much beneath the Sydney Opera House
  • Drew sideways glances from passing pedestrians everytime I opened my mouth
  • Earned free drinks on accent alone
  • Started the day with fresh caught shrimp
  • Real Aussie Tucker
  • Saw a beatific Steve Irwin statue
  • Purchased candy branded with blackface imagery
  • Slept with the windows open in October
  • Consumed sushi travelling via conveyor belt
  • Heard MGMT in a grocery store
  • Visited locations with names like Wagga Wagga and Mooloolaba
  • Got harrassed by a two-foot tall bird in a mall food court
  • Turned away paper-waving activists with the explanation that "I'm about to fall off the planet in a couple days"
  • Attempted to hold a reasonable conversation while a nearby television flashes network full frontal nudity
  • Scratched a stinky koala

LIST SEVEN: AUSTRALIAN BEER

Australian beer brands sampled, and ranked (from best to worst):
  • James T Squire
  • Cooper's
  • Carlton Draught
  • Pure Blonde
  • Vic Bitter

Noticably absent:
  • Fosters

LIST EIGHT: BFFs

People I miss now that I've returned home:
  • Chris
  • Dominica
  • Hugh
Note: not necessarily in that order