Two Weeks in Australia: a trip told in lists

LIST ONE: FLIGHTS

I took the following flights during the two weeks that made up my trip:

• Madison to St Louis
  
• St Louis to Los Angeles
  
• Los Angeles to Sydney*
  
• Sydney to Brisbane
  
• Brisbane to Sydney*
  
• Sydney to Los Angeles
  
• Los Angeles to Dallas*
  
• Dallas to Madison

Running total: 8 flights

An asterisk (*) indicates a flight in which there was a crying baby.

Related note:  I used to like flying.

LIST TWO: MOVIES

I watched the following bad movie while in transit via airplane:

• The Happening

I watched the following mediocre movie while in transit via airplane:

• Hancock

I watched the following good movie while in transit via airplane:

• Speed Racer

I don't exactly believe it either.

LIST THREE: GO OZ

Here is a partial list of things Australia does better than the States:

• Public transportation
  
• Toilets
  
• Bacon (!)
  
• Food in general
  
• Chocolate
  
• The level of dress among the general populace, flipflops and sandals notwithstanding
  
• Ovens
  
• Currency
  
• Radio personalities (Hamish and Andy are actually pretty funny)
  
• Spectrum of popular music
  
• Outlook on life
  
• Slang
  

LIST FOUR: GO YANKS

Here is a partial list of things the States do better than Australia:

• Price tags
  
• Coffee
  
• Soda
  
• Hamburgers
  
• Cheese
  
• Highways
  
• The availability of garbage cans
  
• Baby carrots
• Incorporation of the indiginous people (although to be honest the US has a ways to go as well)
  
• Keeping a lid on Kings of Leon
  
• Black people
  
• Volume
  

LIST FIVE: KFC?

I observed the existence of following the fast food chains during my stay in Australia:

• McDonald's
  
• Subway
  
• Hungry Jacks (Burger King)
  
• KFC
  

It should be noted that KFCs are more popular than they are in the States.  Australians are absolutely crazy about KFC, comparatively speaking.

Soul-crushingly absent:

• Taco Bell

LIST INTERMISSION:

I had the following conversation many times while in Australia.

Aussie: So where are you from?

Me: The States.

Aussie: Yeah, but which state?

Me: Wisconsin.

Aussie: ...uh...

Me: Dairy state.

Aussie:  ...erm...

Me: Midwest, right under Canada.

Aussie: Oh, right!  wisconsin!

Me: Yeah, Wisconsin.

END INTERMISSION

LIST SIX: UNIQUE OZ EXPERIENCES

Things I did in Australia that I couldn't do in Wisconsin:

• Coughed salt water out of my nose
  
• Ate a meat pie
  
• Paid four dollars for a dixie cup of black coffee
  
• Encouraged overeating in kangaroos
  
• Been mistaken for a member of a surfing gang
  
• Taken a ferry back after a couple drinks at a pub
  
• Drank a little too much beneath the Sydney Opera House
  
• Drew sideways glances from passing pedestrians everytime I opened my mouth
  
• Earned free drinks on accent alone
  
• Started the day with fresh caught shrimp
  
• Real Aussie Tucker
  
• Saw a beatific Steve Irwin statue
  
• Purchased candy branded with blackface imagery
  
• Slept with the windows open in October
  
• Consumed sushi travelling via conveyor belt
  
• Heard MGMT in a grocery store
  
• Visited locations with names like Wagga Wagga and Mooloolaba
  
• Got harrassed by a two-foot tall bird in a mall food court
  
• Turned away paper-waving activists with the explanation that "I'm about to fall off the planet in a couple days"
  
• Attempted to hold a reasonable conversation while a nearby television flashes network full frontal nudity
  
• Scratched a stinky koala
  

LIST SEVEN: AUSTRALIAN BEER

Australian beer brands sampled, and ranked (from best to worst):

• James T Squire
  
• Cooper's
  
• Carlton Draught
  
• Pure Blonde
  
• Vic Bitter
  

Noticably absent:

• Fosters
  

LIST EIGHT: BFFs

People I miss now that I've returned home:

• Chris
  
• Dominica
  
• Hugh

Note: not necessarily in that order